I wrote a post about a difficult time I had with depression and anxiety in early 2020. I can’t say it’s the first time and it may not be the last time but I do know that I wont’ let it define me. When thinking about that post, I realized I wanted to share about the difficulty of dealing with such issues because I had found comfort in knowing I wasn’t going through those things alone and when you don’t feel alone it plays a part in your healing. I also found that Love, in small ways or big ways, from friends, loved ones, therapists, nature, all these acts of love and us really feeling them, are what can help heal and pull us through. And with realizing that it taught me to always lead with love in situations. This I will try to always do or at least remember I made that vow if I don’t at first. I definitely think sharing can help others. There’s a comfort in knowing you’re not alone. And you’re not alone. You are loved. You are supported.
It’s also easy to get stuck in a place of identifying with your ‘diagnosis’ and I don’t want to fall into that trap. I have dealt with and I’m healing from depression and anxiety, but I will not let it define who I am. I’ve caught myself saying things in my head such as, “oh I can’t do that I have anxiety,” and it’s this bullshit self-talk that I want to make sure I don’t perpetuate and if I share then maybe others can see that they aren’t their struggles either. We deal with things, but WE aren’t those things. Going through something and knowing it may come back, whatever it is, can be a difficult thing to wrap your head around when you ‘just want to get better.’ But such is life isn’t it? We really don’t know from one day to another what is really going to happen, whether or not something has happened before or not. We can and should take steps to help ourselves feel better and we can also at the same time, help ourselves let it all go. Don’t attach to it. Accept what is but not by thinking there’s nothing we can do yet rather by doing what we can and letting the outcomes be what they may and dealing with each and every moment as it comes. I know from personal experience that this is harder than it sounds. Simple, yet not easy.
So, I’m feeling good. I’ve been able to do a lot of self care while sheltering at home due to covid-19. I know it’s been mayhem and havoc for so many and my heart goes out to all of them. For me, I’ve been lucky no one I know has gotten ill, so it’s been a time of being able to really take care of myself. Making myself the focus of my days and focusing on self-care and making myself happy. I’ve been doing a lot of Yoga, mainly Yin Yoga and walks or hikes now that the parks are open. I’ve been meditating and letting myself learn things like tarot reading, more Reiki healing and Reading more spiritual books that have touched my heart. I’ve been painting a lot, which for me is a form of mindfulness and just being in the moment as well as joyful. If I think of a color or a shape I usually just go for it and see where it takes me. I can always change it if I want to later so I just keep going. (for more on how, see my post about why I love painting with acrylics) It’s freeing and fun and feels good. I’m trying to incorporate these principles more deeply into my daily life. Being less scared of things I can’t control and just keep moving having faith and making decisions from a place of faith, not fear. Making my choices from my gut and seeing where it takes me. Just keep going instead of getting stuck on the last thing I did or thinking I made a mistake. I want to keep moving forward and see where that leads. What color do I feel like putting down now? I want to allow my life to unfold like my paintings. I learned that I can’t force a painting I have to let it become what it wants to become. It has it’s own energy as it’s being born and each day we wake up with our own energy that we can birth into whatever we want.
Right now I feel better. I’m so thankful. But I refuse to define myself as a diagnosis. I do not want to be stuck in a mental image or thought pattern about myself that tells myself I can’t do things or be things because of issues I’ve had. I want to accept and live peacefully with every part of my conscious experience along with my spirit. I want to keep going. Keep moving forward. Shedding old beliefs and past thought patterns and letting my life unfold before me. Making one choice after another from my gut and seeing where that path takes me. Without getting stuck on the last thing I did or thinking I made a mistake. I want to keep moving forward allowing my life painting to become what it wants to become and letting go of my mental story about what it should be.
There’s an illusion of control in life but it’s not real. I’ve been learning that lesson a lot, or rather getting that lesson and lot and trying to learn it. I am so many things in this life but I’m trying not to be anything except a vessel for love and divine will. I will definitely continue to tell myself that I am not a diagnosis and that I can do things and be things that I put my heart into, it just might not look the same as someone else or look like what I excepted it to look like, and that’s okay.
Right now I feel good and it’s a time of personal growth and reflection and learning. I thank you for spending your time reading my blog. I hope you’re well. Please let me know any thoughts you have, I’d love to hear.
From my heart to yours,