“Intuition isn’t here for us to create a beautiful outcome, it’s here for us to create a beautiful journey.” Lauren
There’s something in me that will never give up. I will continue to make art whether I like it that day, whether you like it, whether I feel like making it or not. I will create. It’s what I do. It’s what gives me purpose and connection to a deeper self. I get the feels. Whether I look at something and think it’s shit or wonderful, I feel like there’s been magic that went through me. I create from and for my soul. The depths of my being. And it is my teacher.
Of course, it’s not always so dramatic in practice. There’s typical ordinary days that I may be playing and splashing and mixing paint; but when it flows, it’s indescribable. When it flows, when I see the ones that give me the ‘my breath just caught’ feeling, it’s then that I know I was touched by the whisper of the Divine. I couldn’t express these things by myself. They feel so utterly connected and magical, I know there was divine presence there and it was a blessing. That’s why I believe in showing up, whether I feel like it or not. I work through the shit instead of letting the shit get me down. Though sometimes it does get me down, I’m human, but I get back up and keep creating; …tho let me tell you that sometimes…there’s a lot of shit!!!
I have a saying that started in my painting life but has extended into my waking life which goes like this, “Well, the worst thing I can do is fuck it up; and I can’t fuck it up!” This started when I was painting and I’d look at a piece in progress and I’d be nervous to do another layer or try a different color, or whatever it was I was contemplating but scared to do because I might ‘ruin the piece.’ And then I started to take a more impersonal view of it. Instead of getting attached to this object in front of me, I promised myself I’d go with my instincts and just do the thing that came into my head and not worry about the outcome! I would listen to that intuitive response of ‘add yellow’. That’s where my mantra came from, “Well, the worst thing I can do is fuck it up; and I can’t fuck it up!” I’d say this to myself and just go for it because ultimately, it’s just a painting and nothing to get attached to. It’s so easy to attach to it, things or outcomes in painting and in life; so I’d practice this mantra and then I’d just go for it!
And you know what? Sometimes, it’d turn out like real pure shit! HAHA. Pure gross, messed that up, can’t go back, what did I do…shit! And I’d be dumbfounded about why I ever thought that was a good idea? Why did I make that decision? Why did I let myself do that? That couldn’t have been my intuition, because my intuition wouldn’t have let me make something so shit! Would it?
And other times it’d be the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and I’d sit back in awe because I couldn’t’ have created that on my own with just my mind. I never could have ‘thought’ of that. Other times that shit one, after a few more layers it’d turn into the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen also; and sometimes it’d keep being shit and would have to be scrapped, because some things in life aren’t meant for us to finish or continuing on with. I’ve been learning the impersonal lesson of the universe and our intuition. Following our intuition or divine guidance doesn’t always lead to the outcome we thought up. Sometimes it leads to shit or what we ‘perceive’ as shit. But that’s just it, it’s all a perception. In divine language what happened was a necessary step. A blessing. It’s up to us to find the beauty or find the acceptance in each layer and keep moving on. Intuition isn’t here for us to create a beautiful outcome, it’s here for us to create a beautiful journey.
We can over-think it. We can think we can think our way out of it. We can think our mind has control and can make sense of it, but it can’t. Another great lesson I’m learning is that, I can’t think my way out of a thinking problem or another way I like to say it is, I can’t think my way out of a thought trap. Spoiler, thinking thoughts to try to fix thoughts that are thinked, is all thought traps! So, the only way forward is by trusting that intuitive guidance from our deeper selves and accepting each layer as it is. Getting out of our thought loops and into our deeper and higher selves allows us to follow spiritual guidance and not just thoughts that may be coming from a place of fear, anger, hurt. Sometimes following this guidance can be perceived as shit, but we learn from it, sometimes it’s perceived as beauty and we learn from it. Following this guidance is following what is spiritually needed in each moment, not just physically needed.
I can look at a painting as something to be finished-an end results to be attained or I can look at a painting as a journey to be had. I can lose myself in the process and become one with the movement and the moment or get stuck thinking of the end results that I just ‘need to get to’.
It’s this intuitive process that I can carry over into everyday life with everyday things, decisions and choices. Painting has taught me life lessons of connecting with my flow and just being on the journey because really, in the end, I can’t fuck it up. There is no destination, there is a journey that will end one day on this earth and we don’t know when and we really have no control over it. So, what am I wasting my time thinking too much about?
Usually that’s where I stall, get stuck, procrastinate because I’m too locked in on the personal questions of, but what’s gonna happen, is it going to be the wrong choice, I can’t go back if I do it, I might ruin it etc.? And then I’m left with a painting or a life with hardly any layers. Stuck with unanswerable questions in my mind and fear in my body. Knowing the shit layers are just as important as the beautiful layers, knowing but being too scared to make shit; because shit doesn’t feel good. So instead of learning how to deal with feeling shit, I’d avoid it. And my paintings and my life, weren’t fully alive!
I feel that paintings are born, and they die. A painting dies when it stops being worked on. Its life has come to a halt and it is stuck as it is; beautiful or unfinished or ugly. The same is true for us. We aren’t fully alive if we stop working on ourselves. We are hiding. Avoiding. Scared to make shit. We are all on a journey and there’s gonna be some shit. We cannot control how we are painted. We try but, it’s impossible to control the layers that are added to our life. We can control connecting with the Divine that’s painting us and try to flow with what needs to be born in each moment as it comes. Do we need more understanding, compassion, truth, strength to be able to blend the layer that was added to our life with previous layers? Do we need help with surrendering and letting go of the past because this new layer covers up an old layer that is no longer needed? These graces are like our painting tools, there for us to utilize whenever we need them.
In knowing life circumstances are impersonal, it’s sometimes gonna look and feel like shit and other times it’s going to look and feel beautiful, we can try to go with that flow and know they are both a necessary part of the whole. We create a personal intimate connection to our life flow by connecting with the divine and allowing these necessary layers to flow in and out. We can show gratitude for them and not be attached to them. As this is the nature of the journey.
So as our lives are being painted everyday we can remember we are the beautiful, perfect creations of the Divine; and sometimes it’s really helpful to remember that, the worst we can do is Fuck it up, AND WE CAN’T FUCK IT UP!
Thanks for reading, I’d love to hear from you!
From my heart to yours,
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