There’s something in me that will never give up. I will continue to make art whether I like it, whether you like it, whether I feel like making it or not. I will create. It’s what I do. It’s what gives me purpose and connection to a deeper self. I get the feels. Whether I look at something and think it’s shit or wonderful, I feel like there’s been magic that went through me. I create from or for my soul. The depths of my being. And it is my teacher.
Of course, it’s not always so dramatic in practice. just a typical ordinary days that I may be playing and splashing and mixing paint; but when it flows, it’s indescribable. When it flows, when it’s the ones that give me the ‘my breath just caught’ feeling, it’s then that I know I was touched by the whisper of the Divine. I couldn’t express these things by myself. They feel so utterly connected and magical, I know there was divine presence there and it was a blessing. That’s why I believe in showing up, whether I feel like it or not. I work through the shit instead of letting the shit get me down. Though sometimes it does get me down, I’m human, but I get back up and keep creating, but let me tell you that sometimes…there’s a lot of shit!
I have a saying that started in my painting life but has extended into my waking life which goes like this, “Well, the worst thing I can do is fuck it up; and I can’t fuck it up!” This started when I was painting and I’d look at a piece in progress and I’d be nervous to do another layer or try a different color, or whatever it was I was contemplating but scared to do because I might ‘ruin the piece.’ And then I started to take a more impersonal view of it. Instead of getting attached to this object in front of me, I promised myself I’d go with my instincts and just do the thing that came into my head and not worry about the outcome! I would listen to that intuitive response of ‘add yellow’. That’s where my mantra came from, “Well, the worst thing I can do is fuck it up; and I can’t fuck it up!” I’d say this to myself and just go for it because ultimately, it’s just a painting and nothing to get attached to. It’s so easy to attach to it or things or outcomes so I’d practice this mantra and then I’d just go for it!
And you know what? Sometimes, it’d turn out like shit! Pure gross, messed that up, can’t go back, what did I do…shit! And I’d be dumbfounded about why I ever thought that was a good idea? Why did I make that decision? Why did I let myself do that? That couldn’t have been my intuition because my intuition wouldn’t have let me make something so shit!
And sometimes it’d be the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen or after a few more layers it’d turn into the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I’ve been learning the impersonal lesson of the universe and our intuition. Following our intuition or the divine guidance doesn’t always lead to the outcome we thought up. Sometimes it leads to shit or what we ‘perceive’ as shit. But that’s just it, it’s all a perception. In divine language what happened was a necessary step. A blessing. It’s up to us to find the beauty or find the acceptance in each layer and keep moving on. Intuition isn’t here for us to create a beautiful outcome, it’s here for us to create a beautiful journey.
We can over think it. We can think we can think our way out of it. We can think our mind has control and can make sense of it, but it can’t. Another great lesson I’m learning is that, I can’t think my way out of a thinking problem or a thought loop. So the only way forward is by trusting that intuitive guidance and accepting each layer for what it is. Sometimes it’s perceived as shit, but we learn from it, sometimes it’s perceived as beauty and we learn from it.
I can look at a painting as something to be finished or I can look at a painting as a journey to be had and not an end result to be attained. I can lose myself in the process and become one with the movement. And it’s this that I can carry over into everyday life with everyday things, decisions or choices. Painting has taught me life lessons of connecting with my flow and just being on the journey because really, in the end, I can’t fuck it up. There is no destination, there is a journey that will end one day on this earth and we don’t know when and we really have no control over it. So, what am I wasting my time thinking too much about?
Usually that’s where I stall, get stuck, procrastinate because I’m too locked in on the personal questions of, but what’s gonna happen, is it going to be the wrong choice, I can’t go back if I do it, I might ruin it etc.? And then I’m left with a painting or a life with hardly any layers. Stuck with unanswerable questions in my mind and fear in my body. Knowing the shit layers are just as important as the beautiful layers, knowing but being too scared to make shit; because shit doesn’t feel good. So instead of learning how to deal with feeling shit, I’d avoid it. And my paintings didn’t have life.
I feel that paintings are born, and they die. A painting dies when it stops being worked on. Its life has come to a halt and it is stuck as it is; beautiful, unfinished, ugly. The same is true for us. We aren’t fully alive if we stop working on ourselves. We are hiding. Avoiding. Scared to make shit. We are all on a journey and there’s gonna be some shit. We cannot control how we are painted. It’s impossible to control the layers that are added to our life. We can connect with the Divine that’s painting us and birth what needs to be born in each moment, understanding, compassions, truth, strength, arises within us and just spills out of us like creating a magical painting.
By magical painting I don’t mean perfect, the most beautiful, the most expensive. I mean magical because we are living in connection. Knowing life circumstances are impersonal. It’s sometimes gonna look and feel like shit. Other times it’s going to look and feel beautiful. We create a personal intimate connection to our life flow by connecting with the divine and allowing these necessary layers to flow in and out, show gratitude for them and not be attached to them. As this is the nature of the journey.
Thanks for reading, I’d love to hear from you!
From my heart to yours,
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