I wrote you yesterday and it felt good. It feels a little weird typing to you since I’ve always been a big journal nerd. I have so many going at once for different topics. Weeeeellll they cross over a lot so maybe more so for different rooms. Haha. I don’t think typing could ever replace my journaling, there’s such a different feel to it. Anyhoo. I don’t really know why I’m even talking about that. It wasn’t anything that entered my head until I started typing.
Last evening I wast texting with a good old friend. We definitely share an energy connection. We’ve always been on similar paths of discovering and falling in love with different wellness things. She just got her amazing website up full of services and offers and a membership site. www.sattvawellness.love. I am so immensely proud of her and all her knowledge and hard work are paying off. I have other friends from Acupuncture school or in Massage or other wellness modalities that are really finding their niche and doing what they love. I was filled with love for them and happiness for them and at the same time I felt something creeping in. Jealousy. Is that you? It felt like with all my happiness there was this other feeling and thoughts of, why not me? I went to school for so long and worked so hard and take CEU classes and blah blah blah, why haven’t I found my career path within all this wellness I love so much?
Ugh. It doesn’t feel good. As I laid to go to sleep last night, where if you know me that’s one area that I keep trying to heal because my mind seems to swirl more when I lay to rest, my thoughts were jumbled between joy for my friends and sadness for myself. I put on a guided meditation and tried to breath and relax. Eh. It kinda worked
I opened up a dialogue with You, Divine spirit. I asked to be able to feel only joy for my friends instead of jealous in my heart for not getting what I wanted, career wise. Then I realized that I couldn’t change the way I was feeling so asking not to feel that seemed dumb. So I changed my prayer to asking to give me strength to let these thoughts come in and out and not dwell or judge them, the joyful ones AND the jealous ones. That felt a bit better. Because either way, I was attaching meaning to both thoughts and feelings and I didn’t have to do that.
Then my mind took the wheel again and I started wondering, what new classes should I take, oh I should finish those older classes I haven’t finished yet online, should I reach out to my friend for a Tarot reading, should I get another Reiki reading, maybe I need another psychic reading….and then like that….they stopped and clear as a bell I heard “YOU cannot get answers outside of yourself.” Ding ding ding. Now look, I believe all those modalities can help and they have helped me tremendously in the past but I’m at a place right now where the only thing, the ONLY thing that can and will do me any good is connecting to the Divine.
DIVINE CONNECTION. I’ve been working on this for years and finally this year I feel like this connection and the meaning and the work is becoming known to me. I feel myself knowing I have to fill up my own cup and this connection comes from the Divine. I might have the tools but I don’t know how to use them on my own but I can connect and allow the Divine to show me and teach me how to fill myself up from the inside out. Allow the Divine to show me the way and know that it’s always the right way, whether it’s easy or not.
By filling up my own cup I’m learning that the chakra analogies are really helping me to visualize where my power drains are and ask the divine for the grace needed to be able to give myself the support that I need right now. Thank you Caroline Myss for all your work because her books and lectures have made such a drastic shift in my perspective, I cannot even explain the game changer for me!
So when I was feeling jealous last night, after I got that lovely message that I couldn’t look outside myself for answers I also knew I couldn’t look outside myself for someone else to make me feel better. Sometimes we need support and that’s okay but after we are comforted and in order to really truly supported we need to do our own internal work and Divine connection. We need to fill up our own cup!
I felt the message, “You are not jealous of your friends, you are jealous of the experiences they are having because you are sensing that they are living in alignment with their purpose and path and connection. It is this experience you feel emanating from them and that you also want to feel.”
I mean….right on man. True. Because my life is good. Great actually. And yet I feel like there are these things bursting from within me with wellness, spirituality, energy medicine, soul purpose, painting, etc etc etc that are all pieces to a grand puzzle that doesn’t seem to be fitting together at this time.
It’s this that I’m not sure of yet. Is this just my mind attaching to “something is wrong or missing?” Or am I just within the creative energy of building something bigger and it’s all just working out within it’s own time? Or is it never suppose to work out for me in that way because something different is manifesting on my path and I just can’t see it?
All questions that will never get answered but my prayers for connection and divine guidance with the strength and willpower to follow them through, no matter how scary or off the path they seem, those prayers will always be answered. Because connecting with You and allowing my path to unfold without attachment, all still while trying to accomplish goals, is the ultimate paradox and yet a wondrous, magical thing.
So, today I’m going to try to keep my energy high and my thoughts light and non attached. Trying to keep my connection to the Divine my top priority and knowing that with all my goals and dreams that the true work is allowing and accepting what the Divine brings to me in each moment and not trying to change it, yet adjusting my reaction to it. And all will be well. All is well. And so it is.
From my heart to yours,
Divine writings. Un-edited. 11/6/20